What I Learned From My Professor

Professors.  We have them in college, we have then in grad school, we have them in professional school.  Here is a list of some of my all time favorite quotes from some of my professors from undergrad and grad school.  Some are funny, some you had to be there, and some are just plain mean.  Regardless, these have all actually been said by a professor right in front of me.  *Note: if you were in my class when this was said, please do not identify the professor on here.




No faith in the class
(Advice on reading journal articles) Just look at the figures.  I mean, this is an upper level class, but it's an undergrad upper level class.

Well, if you don't understand it Epilogical, I know no one else in the class does. (He was being serious)

 Epilogical, I'm only telling you because I know that as long as you know what to do, your group will do it right.

I hope you all have been studying for the upcoming ::pauses and looks around:: midterm ::makes frantic motion::  Who said that word?

(About a student who is chronically late to class) I'm sure ::student's name:: will grace us with his presence 20 minutes into class.

All anyone here will ever amount to is cleaning up animal s**t at the local fair.



No faith in the profession
When I don't feel like talking to anyone at a party, I just tell them I'm a statistician.

Most people think philosophers are really smart and deep thinkers.  In reality, we are all just band members sick of working at McDonald's.

Seriously, don't go to grad school for my field.  You'll hate it.


Ghost whisperer
Old people tend to die.

Well, you're not going to be saying anything, you're dead

So if someone asks you if you've seen any blue fairies dancing in the air would you say yes?


What's in a name?
Don't call me Dr. ::last name:: because I don't have my Ph.D. yet.  Or Mr. ::last name:: because that's my dad.  Just call me ::first name:: or you can say "hey dumbass" even if that's how you feel.


Oxymorons 101
I know I said you will lose credit but if you hand in late homework assignments, but if you hand them in now I'll give you full credit.

This will never be known, but you still have to know it.

Why should I give anyone in the class who got the answer right, credit?


The miracle of plants
When has strawberry DNA ever clogged up the sink?

So can plants cure cancer?


The 70's throwback
If you are not hip to my jive, just let me know.  (note: the year was 2007 not 1977)




I hate my colleagues....
(Mocking another professor he knows I don't like) It's another ::snicker:: active learning question, right Epilogical?
         Me: Shut up ::professor laughs::

I don't believe in giving weekly homework assignments that take days to do.  Unlike some people I heard about.

Whatever you've learned in previous classes, ignore it because it will be wrong in this class.

Of course you can have him as an advisor.  You'll want to slit your wrists after a week though.

(On faculty meetings) I hate our meetings.  It's like a game of who's the idiot of the week?


.....But I like my job
Actually, the class reviews don't technically matter when you have tenure.  I mean I could kill you guys and still not get fired.  Okay, that's a little extreme.
(New professor who's never taught before) So what can I do in class to make it better.
     (This person actually then grabbed a notebook and took notes on suggestions)

(About a conversation occurring before class) I'm not sure what you guys are talking about but I have a feeling I would be forced to disagree since I'm a professor even if I agree so I don't want to know.

I'm being serious, the dean actually told me to take attendance because she said "what if one of your students is out killing someone during class time?"  And you think I rather have them in my class?




Are there any memorable quotes you have from professors?  Feel free to share in the comments.